Microblog Mondays

The Inevitable


I write.
I have to write..

I have to write
To soothe
My burning soul.

To remind
My Silly heart to
Discard the emotions.

I have to write
To understand
What i want.

To know
What is going on
Inside and outside.

I have to write
To make me
understand myself.

I write
I have to write
I will write..


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Significance


 

On the occasion of Holi, the festival of colors, I share this artwork which is 40 years old. It shows Shri Krishna and Radha playing with colors.

image

Time has changed. There was a time when the love used to be true and pious. There was no show off. Feelings came from Heart, from within. Now feelings come from mind. Sigh !!

 

Below lines try to express the feelings of Radha – Krishna in the present scenario.

 

समय

 

वही रंग, वही पिचकारी

वही तुम, वही मैं

बदले, तो सिर्फ मायने।

image


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The Decision


Misha from last few, rather more than few incidents she was more fed up than irritated.

Misha is constantly in the dilemma whether to share her mind set, with Shantanu or not. Her “upset-cum-agitated” mind is making her mad. In her full term, she don’t want to be in any trouble due to her mental state.

On one hand, she has one thought of avoiding the situation, and not increase any negative discussion on the topic. Another thought she has, that Shantanu should know everything. She knows, now she can’t handle the bundle of thoughts, and no more hold the sea of her compressed feelings inside her heart. Her heart is now overflowing and just a gentle strike will spill it out. She need to put “what’s-going-on-in-her-mind” out, and free herself.

First she thought Shantanu will blame only her that how can she say anything about his side of family. But on the second thought she knew Shantanu will understand her and her perception. As Shantanu also knows their nature.

At last, after so many sleepless nights, She took a stand and finally decided to share her feelings with Shantanu.

 

 

 

But she didn’t..        Wordless, she was..

 

 

 


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Finally.. the solution


I expect
Coz..
Am ready to do
That much for you

Fine..
I will not do
That much

Will that
deteriorate, lessen
My Expectations??

Yes yes !!
I become you
And am not
Hurt now

I learn from you
You taught me

Thank you!!
for..
Being my teacher.

image


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लम्हें


उसके न होने के साथ हुआ एक एहसास भी,
हाय, कितने ढेर लम्हें होते है एक ही दिन में ।
-अ’नामी’

image

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Modern society ? Busted!!


Misha don’t want to trouble Shantanu, so she never told him about any such incidents. She knew she only has to understand and she is doing. Shantanu might be knowing but what can he do?

Misha feels like she is still living in the 70s and 80s time, of which she had heard from her mother.  Where a bahu (DIL) had no power and choice on her own life. Every time she has to ask her in-laws for permission.

A call from her “previous” (yes, as per society that WAS her family. Now this is her family) family directly to her is so much a thing of prestige and pride for her in-laws that it created a mayhem. How can they call her directly and don’t call and ask them first? They are the elders of family, they should be given respect. Now God knows how can one get respect by shouting and asking for it.

Yes, she felt bad, even shed few tears silently, but more she was feeling pity towards those “elders” and how “kiddish” they had behaved. She is equanimious and is just watching the situation as a third person without reacting and only observing.

She asks herself : what could have been done so that this.. unrest and turbulence would have been avoided.
1. She should not have told about the phone call (as always)
2. The elders should have shown some elderness, maturity and handled the situation properly.

From many such situations, Misha is learning everyday. She thank all of them and many such people around her to make her wiser day by day. Now she knows and understands very well, how to handle situation, so as to maintain relations. She knows thinking and worrying more about this will push her more towards depression. So she will not let the negativity creeps in. She is good now.

How in today’s age one pretend to be so open minded but unfortunately reality comes out time and again. Arey, trust her once. Give her few chances. If you are saying your daughter and DIL are equal to you, treat her like that. Just don’t say for the sake of saying. How can you just think and make your own opinion about a person.

Namiwise

By misbehaving, a person is not insulting other, but is deteriorating his own respect. He is just satisfying and nurturing his ego.


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Grow up India #InfertilityNotATaboo


1. When are you giving the good news?
2. You must start trying now.
3. You both will cross 30 soon, don’t delay now.
4. You may not be successful in first time. Trying few times will again engulf few months.
5. Even after conceiving, it’s good if all goes smooth and well, but god forbids, we must see the other side also.
6. That So-and-so sister had 2-3 abortions and even with the final live birth she had so much complications.
7. Don’t use contraceptives etc. They affect future chances of pregnancy.

With all such and many more questions Misha tranced 2 years back while staring at “those two lines” . There is a small dark corner growing in Misha’s mind. She started asking herself “Despite of my confidence and gut feeling, what if even a slightest thing goes wrong. Everyone will blame me only”

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She started thinking of the times before her marriage. She was a bit horrified by the thought of having a kid. She had seen her sister-in-law and many girls in relation and is very well aware of the problems arising in a family after the new member arrives. She also realize it’s not necessary every bad experience will occur with everyone.

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Misha was an independent girl who wish to live her life, enjoy the fullest out of the life given once.

She was not in preference of having a kid. (Ok, call her selfish) Not Because she don’t like kids but is in a favor of living her own life with her lover-cum-husband. She don’t want to share the love and care, even be it with their own kid.

But then again as our society calls for. It needs a great deal of self confidence and strength to continue stick to this thought . Well she knew she will succumb and she did. Reason be any.

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To her it seems to be yesterday, when, she married to a boy of her own choice. It was a perfect love story for her. Finally, her dreams came true.

Soon after  3-4 months after the marriage everyone started saying “now you should plan”. What hurts her, that included her husband also. They talked and sensed each other’s feelings and opinion. She feels very much lucky to have him as her husband. One who understands and supports her at every turn of life. She loves him more than anything. She didn’t wanted a child, at least, not this soon. She wants to live with and love her man only. No third one.

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Soon her MIL’s words echoed in her ears. “agar rakhi tak kuch nahi hua to iska test karwaungi” (if we don’t get good news by rakhshabandhan, I will take her for tests”). Even Misha’s own mother had asked many times “tum log try kar rahe ho Kya? Ya kuch problem he” (are you not trying or is there any problem?”) initially those words hurt her more than anything. But Misha is not blaming them. She understands they were right in their places. It was just care and in their words.

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Both Misha and her husband were in their late twenties. And according to the Indian myths, one should not delay much, as after a certain age, problems persists. She understands this very well, but she didn’t want to have a child under pressure and not as per her choice and decision. She knew she can’t live a childless life in Indian culture. Or even if she initiates, she might not sustain that strongness. She started preparing her mindset

Until the day she can not stand any longer, to those taunts, questions and concerns, she succumbed. They planned happily. She was confident in conceiving with the very first try.

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Now, in her third trimester she still has her fingers crossed and hopes everything goes right and smooth.

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She was not “labelled ” as infertile though,  but still she was experiencing the sufferings of being one or getting the blame of any complications (god forbid). She lived with the fear. Fear of the society. Fear of being blamed. Fear of standing guilty. Fear of getting the punishment without her fault or any mistake.


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Namiwise :

There are many more stories like Misha’s. Mostly with the “not-so-good” end will take our attention. This has become so natural in today’s world where things, specially pregnancy and delivery has become such a big issue of concern. Yes there are complications with few cases,  but that doesn’t mean every girls will have it.

Initially I was reluctant to talk about this topic,  Thanks to Corinne Rodriques of Write Tribe for encouraging me to write on the topic and to #BreakTaboos and #BreakSilence around infertility, to #Inspire #BringChange #EmpowerWomen. I was reluctant since I don’t know what to write or share. Never had any experience about this in friends and relatives. Even don’t have much information. Then I did some research about the topic.

There are many definitions of infertility vis-a-vis Clinical, Demographic, Epidemiological, Primary and secondary. In simple words what I understood from short study is this :

“Infertility is the inability of a sexually active, non-contracepting couple to achieve pregnancy in one year. The male partner can be evaluated for infertility or subfertility using a variety of clinical interventions, and also from a laboratory evaluation of semen.”

In this definition, the male partner is equally treated. If science mentions both genders equally then why we are not seeing it.

Some more data I discovered is :

Estimates from a study suggest that worldwide “between three and seven per cent of all couples or women have an unresolved problem of infertility. 20-30% of infertility cases are due to male infertility , 20-35% are due to female infertility, and 25-40% are due to combined problems in both parts. In 10-20% of cases, no cause is found. Again here, stats shows equal ratio among male and female infertility.

One thing I heard much about and even had experienced is, our Indian culture asks for a “good news” within an year of marriage. As soon as a newly wed girl enters the home : ” jaldi se ab agle saal do se teen ho jao”.

Point here is, it is mostly our Indian culture and traditional views that having a child is so so important. Yes it is, but let not blame the girls (yes specially girls are only blamed) for not having kids,  reason may differ.

“shadi ko 5 saal hogae he,  wo log try kar rahe he par bacha ho nahi raha” (it’s been 5 years of their marriage, but they aren’t getting successful, having a kid) this type of conversation should literally be “banned”. Arey, who are you and I to talk about that, who we meant, to gossip about their personal life.

Not a shame

Infertility is not anything to be ashamed of.  It’s not something which people go and talk about others suffering from it. People who gossip about topics like this,  I want to ask : ” do you talk or gossip about anyone suffering from fever or cold or any other medical problem.” No right?  Then why about infertility? Or any such taboo. It is not more than a medical condition.

Couples going through this are more disturbed and under pressure, by society and such people, than their own state of mind. Even somehow they manage to cope up but the taunts and indirect expressions hurt them deeper than anyone knows.

Let us not talk and just increase their problems. Let us not make them feel any bad or regret for their life. Let us support them in whatever their decision is. Let us stand with them and not against them. Love and Happiness is the solution to most of our problems. Happiness is more important, be it with kid of without kid. It lies within. We are proud of those who are taking the bull by the horns and let us all join hands and voices to say #InfertilityNotATaboo.

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This blog is to #SpreadAwareness about Infertility through Infertility Dost, India’s first website that facilitates couples to brave infertility with support and knowledge. You can find other links  on Write Tribe.


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It’s a dream


From last few days I was trying on some lucid dreaming. Yes,  lucid dreaming means conscious dreaming.

Science says,  there are conscious, unconscious and subconscious mind.  When we are awake our conscious mind is active. We are aware (so called) of everything. But when we are asleep our subconscious mind works. This is where the dreams come from.

Lucid dreaming is not that easy. When you try doing it, conscious mind can’t go completely inactive. And then You can’t sleep when your mind is working. It is like a vicious circle.

IS THIS A DREAM?
Now, what I am experimenting is being aware in dreams. That is knowing that i am dreaming. My first logic is whenever something unusual happens, I ask “is this a dream? “. Sounds easy huh ?? but it’s not that easy. We are so used to and habitual to dreams that we don’t even realize when we dream. We take it as reality until we wake up.

REVERSE GEAR
Second, I ask,  “what happened few moments back?” , “how I reached here?”. It happens only in dreams that we suddenly land up at some random place or situation. We don’t know what happened earlier and how we came at that place.

SET OF PEOPLE
It happens in dream that our two sets of people we know assemble together at one place. Like, in one of my dreams i have my school and college friends gathered at one place and interacting,. They don’t know each other in real lives but they do in my dreams.

SO FAR..
From above practices and experimenting, i learned a bit aobut Lucid Dreaming. Sometimes it happens that we can’t differentiate between dream and reality unless something unusual / unwanted happens. Like, I remember once I lost my mobile.. Then I asked myself where did I forgot it, when I saw it last time. Chill, this is a dream. Mobile is safe 😛

In the same scene earlier, I was in a marriage. Don’t know whose, don’t know what place, all unknown people. Which does not happens normally. Point here is,  my mind didn’t questioned anything unless my mobile was lost. And then, as my conscious mind started waking and realising that it is a dream, I was no more dreaming. Sigh.

Still need more practice. Learning is a continuous process and am learning.

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Starting with Small Steps Everyday..


What is the reason of our griefs??

Why are we disturbed?

Why we feel agitated at times?

Many a times I ponder upon such questions. Being with family and with in-laws it happens time and again. Somebody says something. Another one punctuate at times. Someone interrupts when you doing some work. It is not necessary that person is hurting you intentionally.

We cannot control the situation or that person. What we can control is ourselves. Our thoughts are the root cause of our griefs, disturbances, and agitation. That person and situation is gone. That moment passed. Person got engaged in something else. But we and our thoughts are continuously repeating those particular harsh words and keep on practising some answers for future. Or just talking to self about how and why s/he can say like that and remembering other wrong deeds of that particular person.

Eventually what is the outcome?? We hurt ourselves mentally and emotionally.

So what can be done? I got the answer to this one evening watching TV.

Again as i say.. everything out there teach us something. I am not a regular viewer of daily soaps, or any of those saas-bahu melodramatic series. But one bahu i watch daily is ‘our Rajni Kant‘. It is so easy to handle matters even as complicated and tangled as noodles the way she does.

There is so much to learn from that TV series in our daily lives and relationship.

“Ye feature toh mujhme he hi nahi”.

Mostly our negatives are the reactions to someone else’s deed or words . “Usne aisa bola, aisa kiya,  ab dekho me kya karta hu. Next time agar aisa Kaha na to main ye jawab dunga”..

There are uncountable instances like such in our daily lives. In such situation why not say “Ye feature toh mujhme he hi nahi” and move on happily.

It needs a lot of work and higher level spiritual growth along with self analysis to be equanimous even with positive emotions and vibrations. But at least we can take the first step. Small steps with negative emotions. Whenever some negative, or wrong thought comes, we must follow Rajni.

Come Anger, frustration, jealousy, sadness, depression, doubt, regret, fear, hatred..“Ye feature toh mujhme he hi nahi” 🙂 I do.. Who else want to join in??

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