Monday Musing

सैलाब


बारीक़ कंकरों की चोट से
भी गिर पडूँगी मैं, सुनो हो ।

जर्जराती दिवार सी हूँ अब मैं ।

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The Inevitable


I write.
I have to write..

I have to write
To soothe
My burning soul.

To remind
My Silly heart to
Discard the emotions.

I have to write
To understand
What i want.

To know
What is going on
Inside and outside.

I have to write
To make me
understand myself.

I write
I have to write
I will write..


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Significance


 

On the occasion of Holi, the festival of colors, I share this artwork which is 40 years old. It shows Shri Krishna and Radha playing with colors.

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Time has changed. There was a time when the love used to be true and pious. There was no show off. Feelings came from Heart, from within. Now feelings come from mind. Sigh !!

 

Below lines try to express the feelings of Radha – Krishna in the present scenario.

 

समय

 

वही रंग, वही पिचकारी

वही तुम, वही मैं

बदले, तो सिर्फ मायने।

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The Decision


Misha from last few, rather more than few incidents she was more fed up than irritated.

Misha is constantly in the dilemma whether to share her mind set, with Shantanu or not. Her “upset-cum-agitated” mind is making her mad. In her full term, she don’t want to be in any trouble due to her mental state.

On one hand, she has one thought of avoiding the situation, and not increase any negative discussion on the topic. Another thought she has, that Shantanu should know everything. She knows, now she can’t handle the bundle of thoughts, and no more hold the sea of her compressed feelings inside her heart. Her heart is now overflowing and just a gentle strike will spill it out. She need to put “what’s-going-on-in-her-mind” out, and free herself.

First she thought Shantanu will blame only her that how can she say anything about his side of family. But on the second thought she knew Shantanu will understand her and her perception. As Shantanu also knows their nature.

At last, after so many sleepless nights, She took a stand and finally decided to share her feelings with Shantanu.

 

 

 

But she didn’t..        Wordless, she was..

 

 

 


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तब और अब


तब, सुबह उठते ही माँ का दुलार
अब, सुबह उठते से जिम्मेदारियों का भर

तब, ज़रा सी चोट पर बैंड ऐड लगवाना
अब, दर्द-ए-दिल भी किसी को न बताना

तब, काम करते  वक़्त कुछ होना और सब को बताना
अब, खुद ही जले का इलाज करना

तब, नींद न आए तो सुबह लेट उठना
अब, रात भर जाग कर भी जल्दी उठना

तब, दिल खोल कर बात करना
अब, दस ख़्यालों में आधा बोलना

-अ’नामी’

 

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Finally.. the solution


I expect
Coz..
Am ready to do
That much for you

Fine..
I will not do
That much

Will that
deteriorate, lessen
My Expectations??

Yes yes !!
I become you
And am not
Hurt now

I learn from you
You taught me

Thank you!!
for..
Being my teacher.

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हो जा ज़रा मतलबी


अकेले आये थे अकेले जाएंगे,
दुनियादारी के चक्कर में क्या पाएंगे ।

सिर्फ अपने लिए, खुल कर जियो
डरो मत बस करो, जो मन कहे वो ।

करो शुक्रिया, ज़िन्दगी जी लो पूरी
कुछ ख्वाहिशें रह न जाये अधूरी ।

-अ’नामी’

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21 Random Facts About Me


21 Random Facts About Me.. It’s been long time when i read Ms. Anamika’s blog post about this. Such type of prompts ignite some thoughtfulness and make me think about myself. It helps to know myself better. We don’t know ourselves nearly as well, as we think we do. I fall in this categoty 😀

‘To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.’ – Socrates

Here are few really random and funny facts about me.

1. I never tasted tea. Yes it’s true!!

2. While dipping biscuit in my glass of milk (bournvita / or plain) oh yeas i still drink milk daily. I hold two parle-g back to back then dip. P

3. I do not really like cooking. Ok call me bad. (it is just the starting)

4. Don’t know dancing, though tried sometimes when alone 😉 , but just once on stage. I may be suffering from “stage fear”.

5. Very keen in technical things, gadgets, electronics etc. different softwares. Me being a girl, it surprises many people.

6. People say and now I also agree, I am too straight forward and don’t know how to talk or showoff.

7. Quite good at art work, designs, painting, creative work.

8. Started being myself now. Of course it is hard. You have to be bad in others’ view. Call me bad again. I don’t care anymore.

9. First page first, then last page, then backwards. Strange and funny but, yes I read newspaper like this only. 😛

10. Can write somewhat readable text with left hand 😛

11. Can do almost anything, after trying once.

12. Another non-girlish fact. 😛 I Don’t like sweets. I prefer savoury dish over something sweet.

13. Yet another non-girlish one. I am kinda color blind. Unlike other girls, I can’t properly understand different shades or ” ish ” in colors. Like magenta, mustard colour, sea green, parrot green, rani color, peach color, purple, violet etc.

14. While counting anything in hindi after “tees” (30) I go – thirty one, thirty two…

15. Many a times I pronounce “s” sound as “sh”. Like sys(h)tem, s(h)tart, s(h)tyle, s(h)tage, s(h)traight, fas(h)t.

16. I can type real fast.

17. When I am angry, I usually get silent. Can’t hide my expressions. My face says it all, specially anger and discomfort.

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18. Noticed recently that I reset the plastic to it’s original shape (unlike second one in the pic) , after taking the tablet from the strip. ( first row is empty)

 

 

 

19. I was so introvert that i didn’t talked to anyone and had only one friend in childhood. 12 classes..3 schools..2 friends. Thanks to Facebook,  for connecting with some old fellas. Improvising and made few more awesome friends through blogging.

20. Since childhood when asked what i want in life or what my goal is “Name, Fame and Money” is my answer. 😛

21. I can bet, no one had ever done this much research, on one’s own name, as i have done. While introducing myself (school, college, wherever), the question i knew always coming up next is “what’s the meaning of your name?”

P.S. – 1. it’s a stage in meditation of Radha Swami mat..
2. In french “une ami” pronounced as Anami means ” A friend”
– please google for more information 🙂

Even you can try taking up this. It will be fun. I f you wish share your blog post link in the comment section below.

 


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तू..


मेरे मर्ज़ की
है यही दवा एक
तू..

न निराश होऊ
साथ है ‘गर
तू..

न हताश होऊ
है हाथ थामे ‘गर
तू..

हर गम सह जाऊँ
है सामने ‘गर
तू..

मेरे हर मर्ज़ की
है सिर्फ और
सिर्फ दवा एक
तू..

-अ’नामी’


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लम्हें


उसके न होने के साथ हुआ एक एहसास भी,
हाय, कितने ढेर लम्हें होते है एक ही दिन में ।
-अ’नामी’

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You Know ?? No, You Believe


Hey all !!  Who missed me??  Or my blog posts?? 😉 well,  even if you didn’t, I did. Since last 3 Mondays I was missing my #MondayMusing blog posts.  Well for the first one,  it was just after Diwali Festival. No,  no I am not blaming the festival as “21 random facts about me ” is still in drafts,  which I planned to publish but didn’t for some reason. Will do it soon enough. 

As for the last two Mondays I was in a ten-day residential course of “Vipassana”. Now you might be thinking what is this “Vipassana”.

It is simply science experienced on our own, for those who know about science. For spiritual people it is the only practical way to liberation, nirvana. For simple people it is the way to get rid of miseries and pain in life. In my words it is for everyone who actually want to explore about life and know how to live.

I have got no words to describe my thoughts. It is like you give pancakes and pastry to a dumb/mute person and ask him how it is like. (in hindi we call this situation as गूंगे का गुड़)

We all agree that there are miseries and sorrows every now and then. Life is full of good and bad moods, ups and downs, happiness and sadness. For, not good things and situations few even say that “This too shall pass”. Yes eventually everything will. CHANGE IS THE ONLY PERMANENT THING.

Many of you even know that our body is also made up of tiny cells, atoms etc. which are continuously vibrating and changing their form. All this we “believe” by words and study, not by experience. We don’t know we just believe.

There is a difference between “believing” and “knowing

We have heard so much about how to live, how to manage things, how to behave in anger or how to handle situations. But all these are just from the upper layer of the mind.  Deep within our mind is still the same.  Keep on reacting..keep on collecting miseries keep on agitating self and others. It is not under our control. Is it??  Nope.

Vipassana teaches this, How to apply all these words and sayings practically in day to day life. Vipassana lets you know what you have been believing since ages.

Vipassana means to see things as they really are, is one of India’s most ancient techniques of meditation. It was taught in India more than 2500 years ago as a universal remedy for universal ills.

It teaches what “Shuddha Dharma” , “Pure Dhamma” is.

What is Dharma / Dhamma (in pali language). It has nothing to do with a particular “sect” . Yes, all these years we have lost the true meaning of dhamma.  It means the law of nature. It is not hindu, not Muslim, not Christian,  not Jain, or any sect. Dhamma means nature. Like it is the nature of fire to burn, it is nature of ice to provide coldness.  It is their dharma, it is their pure nature. Irrespective of any sect or religion.

So in deeper meaning Vipassana is Pure Dhamma / Shuddha Dharma.

Vipassana is a way of self-transformation through self-observation. It focuses on the deep interconnection between mind and body.

The scientific laws that operate one’s thoughts, feelings, judgements and sensations become clear. Through direct experience, the nature of how one grows or regresses, how one produces suffering or frees oneself from suffering is understood. Life becomes characterized by increased awareness, non-delusion, self-control and peace.

This is so scientific and clear that one cannot raise a single doubt against it.

The entire practice is actually a mental training. Just as we use physical exercises to improve our bodily health, Vipassana can be used to develop a healthy and purified mind.

The course requires very hard and serious work. There are four areas one will learn during the course –

1. Sheel / Precepts – The first step is, for the period of the course, to abstain from killing, stealing, sexual activity, speaking falsely, and intoxicants. Nothing wrong. One should follow all these. Right??

2. Samadhi / Mastering Mind – This step is to develop some mastery over the mind. Who doesn’t want this?? And this is done by observing normal natural  breath as it enters and leaves the nostrils. 

3. Pragya /Pannya – In this important step one learn while observing sensations throughout the body, understanding their nature, and developing equanimity by learning not to react to them.

4. Mangal Maitri /Metta Bhawna – When you find some precious gem, you want to share it. You want others also to be happy as you are happy. On the last full day participants learn the meditation of loving kindness or goodwill towards all.

While reading all this, you might be thinking what’s the big task.  It is so easy. I insist just attend one course. Yes take the first step.

Do not just believe what I am saying. Go, give it a try. know yourself, experience it yourself, check it, then only believe.

For further details visit the website – http://www.dhamma.org


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Modern society ? Busted!!


Misha don’t want to trouble Shantanu, so she never told him about any such incidents. She knew she only has to understand and she is doing. Shantanu might be knowing but what can he do?

Misha feels like she is still living in the 70s and 80s time, of which she had heard from her mother.  Where a bahu (DIL) had no power and choice on her own life. Every time she has to ask her in-laws for permission.

A call from her “previous” (yes, as per society that WAS her family. Now this is her family) family directly to her is so much a thing of prestige and pride for her in-laws that it created a mayhem. How can they call her directly and don’t call and ask them first? They are the elders of family, they should be given respect. Now God knows how can one get respect by shouting and asking for it.

Yes, she felt bad, even shed few tears silently, but more she was feeling pity towards those “elders” and how “kiddish” they had behaved. She is equanimious and is just watching the situation as a third person without reacting and only observing.

She asks herself : what could have been done so that this.. unrest and turbulence would have been avoided.
1. She should not have told about the phone call (as always)
2. The elders should have shown some elderness, maturity and handled the situation properly.

From many such situations, Misha is learning everyday. She thank all of them and many such people around her to make her wiser day by day. Now she knows and understands very well, how to handle situation, so as to maintain relations. She knows thinking and worrying more about this will push her more towards depression. So she will not let the negativity creeps in. She is good now.

How in today’s age one pretend to be so open minded but unfortunately reality comes out time and again. Arey, trust her once. Give her few chances. If you are saying your daughter and DIL are equal to you, treat her like that. Just don’t say for the sake of saying. How can you just think and make your own opinion about a person.

Namiwise

By misbehaving, a person is not insulting other, but is deteriorating his own respect. He is just satisfying and nurturing his ego.


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Dip into Depression


Shantanu- what happened?
Misha – Nothing
Shantanu – OK. What’s for dinner?

Shantanu – Why you crying / upset ?
Misha – nothing.
Shantanu – haha, OK cry, cry.

Misha – You knew about this. Why didn’t you told me earlier?
Shantanu -I didn’t knew.
*Misha felt hurt, as she knew the truth. *

Misha just expected a little more care and pampering. If he had asked once more, showing that he cares, she would have poured out everything her heart had held for so long.

On one hand, she was happy and content, but on the other, she feels low, empty and alone.

Even a slightest harsh thing hurt her like anything. She realizes how tender her heart has become. Like an innocent child tears roll down from a simple talk.

In her third trimester it happens. Harmonal changes lead to mood swings and kind of depression. She cries for no reason. But there are many accumulated spots behind those tears. She is very well aware of actions and thoughts she is going through. His one loving touch and she breaks down. She wants to say, prepare words but instead of words from mouth, tears started flowing from eyes, non stop.

Misha knew she can never go into any such thing as depression, but she is also very well aware of what is happening to her and she can actually see it coming. It was just like she is letting “The devil” come in and can’t do anything.

Misha is a girl who is mostly quiet and is to herself. Never talked or shared her feelings, particularly sad and bad ones, with any one. Not even her mother or even Shantanu after the marriage. But deep inside she always wanted someone “that special one” with whom she can share her every single thought, (good, bad, sad, happy..) without giving it a second thought. Without the fear of being judged.

Just a little more care and she will be saved from dipping into depression.

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Namiwise

If you think it isn’t happening to your loved ones, you’re wrong. So wrong. Ask them again and again and again. They will be reluctant at first, but then you need to prod.

It is not something that we don’t know or had never experienced. It is normal. We care for our loved ones and always wished their well being. Ask just one more time. #DobaraPoocho #BaarBaarPoocho

People who think twice before saying or doing anything, who do not open up their heart easily. They must be recognized and helped in bringing their thoughts out.

If you think you are strong enough and can’t get into depression, You are wrong. Depression is not something happening to only emotionally, or mentally week people.

My thought is, people who suppress their feelings and are strong, they only are more prone to such after affects. Yes, I call depression a after affect of being quietlyso much responsible and strong for too long. They take care of everyone and forget about taking care of self.

Let us all give them their share of care and save them from sinking into depression.

P.S. – #DobaraPoocho

This blog post is inspired by a video of “Live Love Laugh” foundation launched by actress Deepika Padukone, which deals with depression and helps people suffering from it.

The foundation recently released an ad about how we miss out on everyday cues by our loved ones, which only worsens their condition. One should prod loved one on seeing the slightest signs of unhappiness.

Quoting from foundation –

It creeps in with silent feet, sits calmly in your heart and runs havoc in your brain. More often than not, we don’t even get to know we’ve been hit by it. Mostly, it’s just a feeling of being “a bit off” or “not myself” that’s dismissed as a phase.

Watch the full video here:


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Grow up India #InfertilityNotATaboo


1. When are you giving the good news?
2. You must start trying now.
3. You both will cross 30 soon, don’t delay now.
4. You may not be successful in first time. Trying few times will again engulf few months.
5. Even after conceiving, it’s good if all goes smooth and well, but god forbids, we must see the other side also.
6. That So-and-so sister had 2-3 abortions and even with the final live birth she had so much complications.
7. Don’t use contraceptives etc. They affect future chances of pregnancy.

With all such and many more questions Misha tranced 2 years back while staring at “those two lines” . There is a small dark corner growing in Misha’s mind. She started asking herself “Despite of my confidence and gut feeling, what if even a slightest thing goes wrong. Everyone will blame me only”

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She started thinking of the times before her marriage. She was a bit horrified by the thought of having a kid. She had seen her sister-in-law and many girls in relation and is very well aware of the problems arising in a family after the new member arrives. She also realize it’s not necessary every bad experience will occur with everyone.

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Misha was an independent girl who wish to live her life, enjoy the fullest out of the life given once.

She was not in preference of having a kid. (Ok, call her selfish) Not Because she don’t like kids but is in a favor of living her own life with her lover-cum-husband. She don’t want to share the love and care, even be it with their own kid.

But then again as our society calls for. It needs a great deal of self confidence and strength to continue stick to this thought . Well she knew she will succumb and she did. Reason be any.

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To her it seems to be yesterday, when, she married to a boy of her own choice. It was a perfect love story for her. Finally, her dreams came true.

Soon after  3-4 months after the marriage everyone started saying “now you should plan”. What hurts her, that included her husband also. They talked and sensed each other’s feelings and opinion. She feels very much lucky to have him as her husband. One who understands and supports her at every turn of life. She loves him more than anything. She didn’t wanted a child, at least, not this soon. She wants to live with and love her man only. No third one.

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Soon her MIL’s words echoed in her ears. “agar rakhi tak kuch nahi hua to iska test karwaungi” (if we don’t get good news by rakhshabandhan, I will take her for tests”). Even Misha’s own mother had asked many times “tum log try kar rahe ho Kya? Ya kuch problem he” (are you not trying or is there any problem?”) initially those words hurt her more than anything. But Misha is not blaming them. She understands they were right in their places. It was just care and in their words.

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Both Misha and her husband were in their late twenties. And according to the Indian myths, one should not delay much, as after a certain age, problems persists. She understands this very well, but she didn’t want to have a child under pressure and not as per her choice and decision. She knew she can’t live a childless life in Indian culture. Or even if she initiates, she might not sustain that strongness. She started preparing her mindset

Until the day she can not stand any longer, to those taunts, questions and concerns, she succumbed. They planned happily. She was confident in conceiving with the very first try.

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Now, in her third trimester she still has her fingers crossed and hopes everything goes right and smooth.

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She was not “labelled ” as infertile though,  but still she was experiencing the sufferings of being one or getting the blame of any complications (god forbid). She lived with the fear. Fear of the society. Fear of being blamed. Fear of standing guilty. Fear of getting the punishment without her fault or any mistake.


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Namiwise :

There are many more stories like Misha’s. Mostly with the “not-so-good” end will take our attention. This has become so natural in today’s world where things, specially pregnancy and delivery has become such a big issue of concern. Yes there are complications with few cases,  but that doesn’t mean every girls will have it.

Initially I was reluctant to talk about this topic,  Thanks to Corinne Rodriques of Write Tribe for encouraging me to write on the topic and to #BreakTaboos and #BreakSilence around infertility, to #Inspire #BringChange #EmpowerWomen. I was reluctant since I don’t know what to write or share. Never had any experience about this in friends and relatives. Even don’t have much information. Then I did some research about the topic.

There are many definitions of infertility vis-a-vis Clinical, Demographic, Epidemiological, Primary and secondary. In simple words what I understood from short study is this :

“Infertility is the inability of a sexually active, non-contracepting couple to achieve pregnancy in one year. The male partner can be evaluated for infertility or subfertility using a variety of clinical interventions, and also from a laboratory evaluation of semen.”

In this definition, the male partner is equally treated. If science mentions both genders equally then why we are not seeing it.

Some more data I discovered is :

Estimates from a study suggest that worldwide “between three and seven per cent of all couples or women have an unresolved problem of infertility. 20-30% of infertility cases are due to male infertility , 20-35% are due to female infertility, and 25-40% are due to combined problems in both parts. In 10-20% of cases, no cause is found. Again here, stats shows equal ratio among male and female infertility.

One thing I heard much about and even had experienced is, our Indian culture asks for a “good news” within an year of marriage. As soon as a newly wed girl enters the home : ” jaldi se ab agle saal do se teen ho jao”.

Point here is, it is mostly our Indian culture and traditional views that having a child is so so important. Yes it is, but let not blame the girls (yes specially girls are only blamed) for not having kids,  reason may differ.

“shadi ko 5 saal hogae he,  wo log try kar rahe he par bacha ho nahi raha” (it’s been 5 years of their marriage, but they aren’t getting successful, having a kid) this type of conversation should literally be “banned”. Arey, who are you and I to talk about that, who we meant, to gossip about their personal life.

Not a shame

Infertility is not anything to be ashamed of.  It’s not something which people go and talk about others suffering from it. People who gossip about topics like this,  I want to ask : ” do you talk or gossip about anyone suffering from fever or cold or any other medical problem.” No right?  Then why about infertility? Or any such taboo. It is not more than a medical condition.

Couples going through this are more disturbed and under pressure, by society and such people, than their own state of mind. Even somehow they manage to cope up but the taunts and indirect expressions hurt them deeper than anyone knows.

Let us not talk and just increase their problems. Let us not make them feel any bad or regret for their life. Let us support them in whatever their decision is. Let us stand with them and not against them. Love and Happiness is the solution to most of our problems. Happiness is more important, be it with kid of without kid. It lies within. We are proud of those who are taking the bull by the horns and let us all join hands and voices to say #InfertilityNotATaboo.

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This blog is to #SpreadAwareness about Infertility through Infertility Dost, India’s first website that facilitates couples to brave infertility with support and knowledge. You can find other links  on Write Tribe.


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It’s a dream


From last few days I was trying on some lucid dreaming. Yes,  lucid dreaming means conscious dreaming.

Science says,  there are conscious, unconscious and subconscious mind.  When we are awake our conscious mind is active. We are aware (so called) of everything. But when we are asleep our subconscious mind works. This is where the dreams come from.

Lucid dreaming is not that easy. When you try doing it, conscious mind can’t go completely inactive. And then You can’t sleep when your mind is working. It is like a vicious circle.

IS THIS A DREAM?
Now, what I am experimenting is being aware in dreams. That is knowing that i am dreaming. My first logic is whenever something unusual happens, I ask “is this a dream? “. Sounds easy huh ?? but it’s not that easy. We are so used to and habitual to dreams that we don’t even realize when we dream. We take it as reality until we wake up.

REVERSE GEAR
Second, I ask,  “what happened few moments back?” , “how I reached here?”. It happens only in dreams that we suddenly land up at some random place or situation. We don’t know what happened earlier and how we came at that place.

SET OF PEOPLE
It happens in dream that our two sets of people we know assemble together at one place. Like, in one of my dreams i have my school and college friends gathered at one place and interacting,. They don’t know each other in real lives but they do in my dreams.

SO FAR..
From above practices and experimenting, i learned a bit aobut Lucid Dreaming. Sometimes it happens that we can’t differentiate between dream and reality unless something unusual / unwanted happens. Like, I remember once I lost my mobile.. Then I asked myself where did I forgot it, when I saw it last time. Chill, this is a dream. Mobile is safe 😛

In the same scene earlier, I was in a marriage. Don’t know whose, don’t know what place, all unknown people. Which does not happens normally. Point here is,  my mind didn’t questioned anything unless my mobile was lost. And then, as my conscious mind started waking and realising that it is a dream, I was no more dreaming. Sigh.

Still need more practice. Learning is a continuous process and am learning.

Linking this post with #Microblog Mondays and #Monday Musings

                            monday-musings          microblog_mondays

Categories: Microblog Mondays, Monday Musing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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